2012-02-06T19:28:24Z Christopher Oliphant Copyright 2012, Christopher Oliphant SPHPBLOG
Child - focused on neediness - it acts to get - self centered
Adult - also self-centered, but acts on principles

Child - wants life to be fair - as defined by the child
Adult - sees life as it is and does not expect fairness or even justice

Child – sees things as black or white, right or wrong – with the child being right
Adult – sees the world as endless shades of grey – knows right and wrong are subjective and situational

Child – sees simplistic solutions to complex problems
Adults – sees the complexity of life

Child – reacts to life – operates from feel/act/regret
Adult – responds to life – operates from feel/plan/act

Child – hates to be wrong – will blame, rationalize and excuse their behaviour
Adult – takes responsibility for their behaviour – owns their mistakes

Child – wants things NOW
Adults – is content with delayed gratification, willing to plan and work through the plan

Child – wants life to be easy, fun and happy
Adults – takes life on life’s terms

Child – wants excitement and fun
Adult – stays focused on plans and goals

Child – competitive – wants to be right or the winner – hates to lose hates to admit they were wrong
Adult – has no need to compete – able to apologize when necessary

Child – delights in fantasy
Adult – stays grounded in reality

Child – wants life to be nice, loving, gentle
Adult – sees life with open eyes – accepts the nasty, hateful, violent aspects of life

Child – loves drama
Adult – does not need to create drama – keeps a level head

Child - relies on others for happiness.
Adult – does need a life based on happiness.

Child - is possesive and clingy to concepts or people.
Adult - lets things come and go in a healthy way and is open minded in thought - allows changes to occur.

Child - is overly emotional and dramatized when upset.
Adult - is rational and calm and knows it will pass.

Child - is controlling and wants everything a certain way.
Adult - knows that controlling everything is a futile exercise and accepts things to be as they are.

Child - lives fearfully when dealing with unknowns.
Adult - does not judge the unknown and thus does not fear it.

Child - feels guilt when errors are made.
Adult - understands that mistakes occur and accepts the errors along the path and learns from it.

A rich life includes both the child and the adult. Life lived through the child is dysfunctional. Life lived through the adult is dry. Together, they combine the fantasy and dreams of the child with the grounded and practical of the adult.]]> http://www.radical-acceptance.com/blog/index.php?entry=entry090728-081437 2009-07-28T00:00:00Z 2009-07-28T00:00:00Z
In Radical Acceptance we speak of the Observer. The Observer is the archetype that stands back, touches the ring and knows that there are no good or bad events, thoughts or feelings. All just are and that, “This too shall pass.” In others words, all events, thoughts and feelings are neutral.

There are many archetypes in the human psyche. Each has their role to play. The role of the Observer is to stand back, to see with awareness, and to know that all is neutral. The Observer watches while the other archetypes do their thing: the lover loves the event, the child whines about it, the fighter gets angry, the parent gets protective, the martyr feels put out, the victim, feels powerless the spiritual archetype blisses out, and so on.

The archetype called the ‘self’ then chooses which archetype to energize; to put in control of responding to the event. How often do you choose the Observer? Do you notice when the Observer is not in charge?]]> http://www.radical-acceptance.com/blog/index.php?entry=entry090728-081039 2009-07-28T00:00:00Z 2009-07-28T00:00:00Z
As adults, the system is firmly planted into the psyche. Under stress, in a crisis, we fall back on the familiar, safe and dysfunctional System. We can come to know it and accept it, or we can fight it – and lose.

So how do we come to know our System? Look for your patterns of behaviour, especially the ones that do not make sense. Look for anomalies between your perception of the world and reality. (For help with this, ask a friend or see a counselor.)

Example: A child is born with an innate wisdom; an ability to see clearly. He speaks what he sees and is told he is wrong. In fact his parents get angry with him for speaking what he sees. He cannot doubt the parents’ word, so he must doubt his own and creates a System based on the rule, “I am stupid.” Now all makes sense.

The child grows into a man, still carrying his System. He has a university degree, is respected at work, but he acknowledges none of it. All he can see is he is stupid. No facts can shake his conviction. So when he makes a mistake, it is not a mistake, but further proof of his stupidity. Successes are ignored as they do not fit into his System.]]> http://www.radical-acceptance.com/blog/index.php?entry=entry090728-080912 2009-07-28T00:00:00Z 2009-07-28T00:00:00Z
When working with clients feeling sadness or grief, letting go of fantasy is often an important part of the grieving process. We have incorporated this into Radical Acceptance. When an event results in feelings of sadness or grief, the processing step includes looking for and letting go of fantasies.

Some examples of common fantasies include:
- The ‘perfect’ relationship – the one that meets all your needs for now and forever.
- Vindication – one day others will see the ‘real’ me; the one that is strong, confident and right.
- Life is supposed to be happy.
- Life is supposed to be fair.
- There is punishment for those who do ‘wrong’.
- There is reward for those who are ‘right’. (Serving, giving and loving are common examples of actions viewed as being ‘right’.)

I am NOT saying that grief is ONLY fantasies. I am saying that grief helps point out fantasies in our life.

Think back to a period of grief in your life and see what fantasies may have extended it. ]]> http://www.radical-acceptance.com/blog/index.php?entry=entry090316-153007 2009-03-16T00:00:00Z 2009-03-16T00:00:00Z
You leave the party angry, go home and have trouble sleeping. The jokes keep going around and around in your head. You start wishing you had said something. Maybe if you said, “…” then Pat would have known how offensive he/she was being.

Then you stop and remember the seminar you attended last week. The facilitators, Christopher and Ronna, were talking about Radical Acceptance. You start to remember the steps of Radical Acceptance and how they apply to the offending joke teller.

Step One: Event. This is clear. The event is when Pat started telling racial jokes.

Step Two: Feel & Accept. Hmm, you didn’t do so well. You felt angry, but you were so busy thinking about the jokes and talking to the person next to you that you never stopped to just feel the anger. You could have felt the tightening of your muscles, the racing of your heart and the quickening of your breath; full activation of your fight or flight response. Not having really felt the anger, you could not accept it.

So you lie in your bed and think back to the evening. You replay the events and physical and emotional responses. You re-feel the depth of anger and you allow that anger to flow through you.

Step Three: Process. At the seminar Christopher and Ronna gave you some tools for processing feelings. One of the tools was “Processing a Reaction”. The focus of that tool was to discover how you are similar to the person making you angry. You think back to your thoughts at the party. You called Pat a racist. How are you a racist? At first you reject the idea. You would never tell racist jokes. Then you remember how you are extra nice to people of colour when you are working.

Step Four: Discover & Accept: You wonder why and soon discover that it is racially motivated. Not wanting to see the racial thoughts, you over compensate. You discover that you are a racist. At first you try and fix it. You tell your self it is wrong to be racist and you must route out all racial thoughts and feelings. Then you remember what Christopher and Ronna taught at the seminar. You must accept being a racist, not try and fix it.

So you are a racist. What does that mean to you? For one thing you can stop treating different races differently at work. When you see someone of colour you can watch for the racist thoughts and feelings. When they are present you can choose to act appropriately. That means treating all customers the same.

Being a racist also means that you are no better than Pat telling racial jokes. Knowing that, the judgment of Pat passes.

Step Five: Plan. Now that the anger and judgments have passed, it is time to plan ahead. You realize that you have judged Pat and gossiped when you shared your judgmental thoughts and feelings at the party. You also know that telling racial jokes does not fit with the principles that you choose for your life.

That means you are going to have to take some action. Judging and gossiping are actions that violate your principles and you need to make amends. The first step will be apologizing to Pat. You react to this, “What? Apologize, but Pat was the one telling racial jokes.” Apologize because you were the one judging and gossiping.

The next step will be to put out some boundaries to Pat. They might be (after apologizing), “Pat at the party you were telling racial jokes. I find those jokes offensive and I am asking you not to tell them in my presence. If you do I will remind you of my feelings and if you continue I will leave.”

Next you wonder what the possible outcomes of setting boundaries might be. Most likely Pat will get defensive, or make light of your concerns. Pat could even get angry at you. In the worst case he/she could stop wanting to have anything to do with you.

Step Six: Act & Accept. It is the middle of the night and not a good time to call Pat, so you decide to call tomorrow evening. When the time comes you are nervous. You remind your self of the need to live and act by your principles. You pick up the phone and call.

Pat brushes off your apology. When you set the boundary Pat initially tries to make light of the matter. When you are firm he/she gets angry. You stay calm and stand your ground until Pat hangs up the phone on you.

The event raises new feelings, fear at Pat’s anger and hurt that he/she would not listen. You decide to go another round of Radical Acceptance.]]> http://www.radical-acceptance.com/blog/index.php?entry=entry090119-094127 2009-01-19T00:00:00Z 2009-01-19T00:00:00Z
This is not accepting a feeling, but indulging it. To restate, "Whenever an action is based on a feeling, the action stands a good chance of being inappropriate and is indulging the feeling, not accepting it."

What about when you feel love or compassion? The same applies. When my wife and I first met we were deeply in love. Acting from those feelings of love our work suffered, our children took a backseat and there were times when we were inappropraite in public.

Compassion is no different. If you study the history of international aid, it is littered with actions based on compassion, not on understanding. These projects have often resulted in the community being worse off than before. A prime example is the Canadian farmer who decided that African farmers needed tractors. He managed to get donations and took them all off to Africa. The tractors were welcomed and quickly put to use. Then the problems started. The climate is different in Africa than Canada. The tilled soil was quickly washed away in heavy rains. There were no parts and soon they were all sitting, useable with the rich African soil now gone.

Accepting a feeling is to FEEL it and NOT act on it. Imagine what that might be like.]]> http://www.radical-acceptance.com/blog/index.php?entry=entry090114-082617 2009-01-14T00:00:00Z 2009-01-14T00:00:00Z 1. Identify the feeling associated with an event. It is most often anger, but it may also be tears, fear, envy, jealousy, happiness or depression. Variations of anger include irritation, annoyance and impatience.
2. Describe your thoughts about the other person. It is important not to censor, or rationalize the judgement(s). Allow yourself to be brutally honest. Then try to condense the various judgements into one or two.
3. Now how are you are similar to the other; that you too behave in ways that are similar. It won’t be identical, but similar. You may need help with this. Ask a friend, or better yet, a spouse or partner. You may not be aware of it, but others around you will be. Remember that what makes you angry in another is when they reflect as aspect of you that is unconscious. Unconscious means to be below the level of consciousness and therefore unaware. Acknowldege/admit how we are not different. A thief is a thief whether you steal a pack of gum or a diamond necklace. DO NOT let yourself off the hook by playing the “degree”game. Yes I lie but not like Jack. This does not let us accept anything except that there are those who are worse which or course makes us better than.Sometimes this stage takes some time to be with become aware and breathe in.
4. Find the deeper feeling beneath the initial feelings identified in step one. This can often be grief or fear.
5. Think back to the first time you felt the underlying feeling in a similar circumstance. You are not looking for times when you did something similar to someone else, rather to a time when someone did something to you that caused the feelings identified in step four. This is usually a time from childhood.
6. See the current event as a chance to heal both the current event and the event from step five. The healing is a process of withdrawing energy from the original event. Once the energy is gone, the current event will be seen in without being distorted by earlier events from our life.]]> http://www.radical-acceptance.com/blog/index.php?entry=entry090114-082459 2009-01-14T00:00:00Z 2009-01-14T00:00:00Z
Think of a time in your life when you have been angry with another - better yet an anger you still hold and see how it is a reflection of your self.]]> http://www.radical-acceptance.com/blog/index.php?entry=entry090114-082109 2009-01-14T00:00:00Z 2009-01-14T00:00:00Z