1. Identify the feeling associated with an event. It is most often anger, but it may also be tears, fear, envy, jealousy, happiness or depression. Variations of anger include irritation, annoyance and impatience.
2. Describe your thoughts about the other person. It is important not to censor, or rationalize the judgement(s). Allow yourself to be brutally honest. Then try to condense the various judgements into one or two.
3. Now how are you are similar to the other; that you too behave in ways that are similar. It won’t be identical, but similar. You may need help with this. Ask a friend, or better yet, a spouse or partner. You may not be aware of it, but others around you will be. Remember that what makes you angry in another is when they reflect as aspect of you that is unconscious. Unconscious means to be below the level of consciousness and therefore unaware. Acknowldege/admit how we are not different. A thief is a thief whether you steal a pack of gum or a diamond necklace. DO NOT let yourself off the hook by playing the “degree”game. Yes I lie but not like Jack. This does not let us accept anything except that there are those who are worse which or course makes us better than.Sometimes this stage takes some time to be with become aware and breathe in.
4. Find the deeper feeling beneath the initial feelings identified in step one. This can often be grief or fear.
5. Think back to the first time you felt the underlying feeling in a similar circumstance. You are not looking for times when you did something similar to someone else, rather to a time when someone did something to you that caused the feelings identified in step four. This is usually a time from childhood.
6. See the current event as a chance to heal both the current event and the event from step five. The healing is a process of withdrawing energy from the original event. Once the energy is gone, the current event will be seen in without being distorted by earlier events from our life.
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