You leave the party angry, go home and have trouble sleeping. The jokes keep going around and around in your head. You start wishing you had said something. Maybe if you said, “…” then Pat would have known how offensive he/she was being.
Then you stop and remember the seminar you attended last week. The facilitators, Christopher and Ronna, were talking about Radical Acceptance. You start to remember the steps of Radical Acceptance and how they apply to the offending joke teller.
Step One: Event. This is clear. The event is when Pat started telling racial jokes.
Step Two: Feel & Accept. Hmm, you didn’t do so well. You felt angry, but you were so busy thinking about the jokes and talking to the person next to you that you never stopped to just feel the anger. You could have felt the tightening of your muscles, the racing of your heart and the quickening of your breath; full activation of your fight or flight response. Not having really felt the anger, you could not accept it.
So you lie in your bed and think back to the evening. You replay the events and physical and emotional responses. You re-feel the depth of anger and you allow that anger to flow through you.
Step Three: Process. At the seminar Christopher and Ronna gave you some tools for processing feelings. One of the tools was “Processing a Reaction”. The focus of that tool was to discover how you are similar to the person making you angry. You think back to your thoughts at the party. You called Pat a racist. How are you a racist? At first you reject the idea. You would never tell racist jokes. Then you remember how you are extra nice to people of colour when you are working.
Step Four: Discover & Accept: You wonder why and soon discover that it is racially motivated. Not wanting to see the racial thoughts, you over compensate. You discover that you are a racist. At first you try and fix it. You tell your self it is wrong to be racist and you must route out all racial thoughts and feelings. Then you remember what Christopher and Ronna taught at the seminar. You must accept being a racist, not try and fix it.
So you are a racist. What does that mean to you? For one thing you can stop treating different races differently at work. When you see someone of colour you can watch for the racist thoughts and feelings. When they are present you can choose to act appropriately. That means treating all customers the same.
Being a racist also means that you are no better than Pat telling racial jokes. Knowing that, the judgment of Pat passes.
Step Five: Plan. Now that the anger and judgments have passed, it is time to plan ahead. You realize that you have judged Pat and gossiped when you shared your judgmental thoughts and feelings at the party. You also know that telling racial jokes does not fit with the principles that you choose for your life.
That means you are going to have to take some action. Judging and gossiping are actions that violate your principles and you need to make amends. The first step will be apologizing to Pat. You react to this, “What? Apologize, but Pat was the one telling racial jokes.” Apologize because you were the one judging and gossiping.
The next step will be to put out some boundaries to Pat. They might be (after apologizing), “Pat at the party you were telling racial jokes. I find those jokes offensive and I am asking you not to tell them in my presence. If you do I will remind you of my feelings and if you continue I will leave.”
Next you wonder what the possible outcomes of setting boundaries might be. Most likely Pat will get defensive, or make light of your concerns. Pat could even get angry at you. In the worst case he/she could stop wanting to have anything to do with you.
Step Six: Act & Accept. It is the middle of the night and not a good time to call Pat, so you decide to call tomorrow evening. When the time comes you are nervous. You remind your self of the need to live and act by your principles. You pick up the phone and call.
Pat brushes off your apology. When you set the boundary Pat initially tries to make light of the matter. When you are firm he/she gets angry. You stay calm and stand your ground until Pat hangs up the phone on you.
The event raises new feelings, fear at Pat’s anger and hurt that he/she would not listen. You decide to go another round of Radical Acceptance.
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