In 1999, my mother died from cancer. I found myself feeling grief from her passing. I went away to do some work around her death and discovered that a significant portion of my grief had to do with fantasies. My inner child was still holding on to the fantasy of the ‘perfect’ mother/son relationship. Letting go of this fantasy made moving through my grief easier and faster.

When working with clients feeling sadness or grief, letting go of fantasy is often an important part of the grieving process. We have incorporated this into Radical Acceptance. When an event results in feelings of sadness or grief, the processing step includes looking for and letting go of fantasies.

Some examples of common fantasies include:
- The ‘perfect’ relationship – the one that meets all your needs for now and forever.
- Vindication – one day others will see the ‘real’ me; the one that is strong, confident and right.
- Life is supposed to be happy.
- Life is supposed to be fair.
- There is punishment for those who do ‘wrong’.
- There is reward for those who are ‘right’. (Serving, giving and loving are common examples of actions viewed as being ‘right’.)

I am NOT saying that grief is ONLY fantasies. I am saying that grief helps point out fantasies in our life.

Think back to a period of grief in your life and see what fantasies may have extended it.

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