You find yourself in a relationship that is not very supportive. Your partner is constantly nit
picking at everything you do. It seems you can do nothing right. With any trivial fight, your partner not only
attacks the things they view that you did wrong, but they also attack you as a person.
Feel & Accept
You are feeling a lot of shame, and are very down on yourself. You feel heavy and weighed down by
this shame, and are unsure what way to turn lest you receive criticism. You are frozen by fear of your partner’s criticism.
Process
The processing of these events reveals that your relationship with your mate is a reflection of some very old habits you have held within yourself.
You realize you are your harshest critic. For years you have been very unforgiving of your own
mistakes, and have held onto shame about mistakes in your past.
Discover & Accept
You discover that if it had not been for your own feelings of judgment and shame, your partner’s
criticisms would not have held much weight/energy for you. You see your partner’s criticisms in a new light, and they
lose much of their negative charge. You are now able to accept your part in inviting this unsupportive environment
into your life.
Plan
Armed with your new understanding, you want to take action against this negative pattern in your
relationship. You recognize that the work must start within yourself, and that this in turn will enhance the health
of your overall functioning of your partnership.
You vow to begin monitoring your thoughts for negative self-talk and replace these with more
self-affirming thought patterns. At the same time, you plan to explore areas of strength in order to build a
stronger perception of yourself.
Once you have a good grasp on these aspects of your plan, you will then invite your partner into
a conversation about the power structure of your relationship so you can move forward together in a more balanced
and loving way.
Act & Accept
You implement your plan. You are no longer paralyzed with fear or shame when your partner makes a
criticism. Because this has no place in your mind to latch onto, it slides away more easily.
Upon sharing some of your revelations with your partner, they have a bit of a difficult time adjusting
to the new power balance within your relationship. You accept that it is a difficult process to redistribute power within
a relationship, and recognize their lashing out has little to do with you.
This eventually subsides, and you both enjoy a more balanced partnership.
